Schizophrenia, possession; I is another. Letter to my other self.

Schizophrenia, possession; I is another. Letter to my other self.

By Pancho Crazy Deer

Whilst for a number of excellent reasons, I applied myself with praiseworthy diligence and a tenacious constancy in order to carve out the most adequate comfort zone, according to my standards of course, with the world in which I evolve, would I dare deny the recurrence of so many attempts of intrusions into my intimacy, which I cannot attribute to anyone around me although the temptation is sometimes great ?

I speak of intrusions which I perceive as hostile, without ever having questioned this prejudice. It’s that they seem to want to undo my nature, contradict the image of myself which I wish to be more flattering, embellished, free from weakness or flaws, irregularities, all implacable witnesses to my inner liberty that I would like complete without having to distance myself too much from my comfort zone.

As soon as I feel these breaking in, I instinctively stiffen, trying desperately to hold a door against a bad gust of evil wishing to lead me to vain and sterile tribulations. Trespassing despite my efforts, whispers legitimizing what I abhor: anger, sadness, fear, low self esteem with the added guilt of not having been vigilant enough nor strong enough to counter these attacks and deviate their strokes.

But whom ? Where from ? How and why these cyclical assaults coming from an obscure part of myself that I don’t like, that i reject and that I want silenced ?

If I want to reduce them to silence does that mean that it is a voice ? A force ? External? Internal ?

Who speaks to me ? Who wants to smash my door ? Who wants to take over on my emotions as well as their subsequent actions ?

I spend a lot of energy to thwart these trespasses but also to deny and dismiss them as not being mine. And I do it all the more I am convinced that it is a sign of civility, of moral greatness ! It is noble sending them away and eradicating all that within me still attracts them.

This anger, the fear, the fear of fear, the sadness, cannot be mine and I’ll heal my inner wounds which are as many gaps that allow these low frequency emotions to pollute my inner state and to parasite my energy.

Scrutinizing these processes, I have to admit that I am rejecting, condemning, suppressing, which is altogether overwhelmingly violent.

I vehemently reject all that I perceive as unacceptable interferences and I build a virtual cage in which these beasts are to be locked. No doubt that they seek to dismantle my psychic integrity, my peace, the nobility of my soul ! They would disfigure me, uglify me…

As time passes, I strengthen the bars, feeling fully legitimate, with the vibration of ostracism and suppression since it is not well seen to express anger, or be depressed, paranoid, envious …

Behind these bars is confined an otherness, one that I cannot accept as part of myself, and yet I continuously need to watch and control the cage as an evidence that the power within it is still growing.

But as I say “otherness” I realize simultaneously the parallel with my “other self”, then dawns the inclination to reject the Other, the Stranger. Or at least to reject what of him I dislike, what I would expect him to change in order to welcome and to accept him and eventually to like him.

Here am I, finding myself in the equivalent position toward that part of myself, this other me that I want to eradicate or change in order to accept myself, to respect and love myself without complacency but with honor and dignity, sweetness and innocence.

This other me that screams and urges to be acknowledged, is nothing but pain, despair, fear and anger. How can I heal this whilst maintaining and strengthening my attitude of rejection and denial ?

How can I provide him with all the space he deserves if I keep rejecting this part of myself ?

So it would mean that anything which is not going quite as well as I want, which I don’t like should be banned ? This does not appear to be particularly healing !

Healing comes from understanding, realizing, confronting and transmuting; out of lead let’s make gold; diamonds out of coal; may I be both the athanor and the alchemist !

So my dear other self, reading once more these words I take the full measure of the cruel harshness of my rejection, judgments and prejudices which are brutal and violent.

I understand that on this kind of ferment, nothing could ever blossom or flourish with softness, tenderness, compassion and empathy, all the virtues without which there is neither unconditional love nor total freedom.

May you forgive me so that this cruel cage be destroyed forever ! Come, I beg you, I invite you in, I had not realized how much I was missing you.

I see the immensity of your grief, your despair, instead of trying to heal your wounds, I forced you into exile, locked into nothingness. You were screaming out your suffering, without even understanding why you could not be heard. It made me add more chaos to the devastation of the world.

Come and be cherished, comforted, loved unconditionally, may your courage be praised, all the injustices that tortured you be repaired, your beauty be celebrated !

Forgive me so that I may forgive myself and teach me to welcome unconditionally the otherness, the difference, let me learn how to fully embrace the Other without prejudice, acknowledging that he is my brother. If by chance in the future this brother of mine shows up manifesting any symptoms, may I remember that it is definitely not by rejecting him, neither by denying him nor by hating him, that I shall be of any help but on the contrary by embracing him to allow him to heal as well as me since he is my other myself !

There we are, I believed the you wanted to possess me while your expectation was to complete me, to offer me the realization of my unity. By rejecting you, I was possessed by an amputated part of myself .

Within you lies such a beautiful strength that we shall be twice stronger of service to love :

You, me; me, you; a new being is born.